Post-Holiday Depression

It's the day after Christmas, and I'm back in the city. I feel depressed, and I wish I didn't, because the cause of my depression is someone else's happiness.

This afternoon I visited with a childhood friend of mine and her new baby daughter. She just seemed so happy--she has a wonderful husband who is truly her best friend, and her daughter was just adorable. I could see how much she loves that little baby and how she brings so much joy into her life. I am so happy for her but also so envious.

Then I found out that one of my cousins got engaged last night. Her fiance is also a wonderful person, and I'm thrilled for both of them, but of course, I'm also envious.

I feel like I've spent most of my twenties struggling with who I am and who I want to be. Do I want to be the successful career woman? Do I want to be Super Mom? Do I want to be completely free and independent--able to fly to another continent at a moment's notice? Do I want to give up a little of that independence for the security and responsibility of having someone else in my life?

I'd like to think that I've come closer and closer to the answer as I've grown older and learned from past experiences. And I think I've got it partially figured out--I just want to be happy.

I think I spend so much time thinking about what choices and decisions would be best for me that I forget to consider whether or not these choices and decisions make me happy.

So what do I want?

I want to meet someone who I think is extremely wonderful and who treats me with pure love and respect. And if I ever do meet this person, I do want to start a family with him. I don't want to completely give up working to raise my children, but I also don't care about being the publisher or vice-president of a company. I just want to keep writing and editing because it makes me happy.

I know that there are so many other women out there like me who feel the same way, and I sometimes wonder, "What is it that distinguishes those of us who have such difficulty finding that life partner from those who seem to have no trouble at all?" Is it just pure Darwinism, as in "you are not a prime candidate for reproduction, therefore you will not find yourself in that situation"? Or is it that our "other half," to quote Aristophanes in Plato's "Symposium," was just randomly placed farther away from some than from others?

Who knows? All I know is that I feel lonely and I hate myself for the fact that I feel lonely because I shouldn't. I have an amazing family, two loving cats, and wonderful friends all over the globe. Shouldn't that be enough?

I just can't help feeling like something is missing and I won't be totally and completely fulfilled until I find it.