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It's Valentine's Day, and what is one of my main tasks for the day?--to create an adapted version of the balcony scene from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, the irony.

I did create a nice, easily readable adaptation, but then I couldn't resist and created a version for my own personal amusement (and yours too). Enjoy!

Adapted from Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The Valentine’s Day Fun Version

Act 2, Scene 2

The scene takes place in Mr. Capulet’s backyard. Romeo is thinking about his friend Mercutio’s rip on love.

Romeo
Mercutio’s such a fuckin’ asshole. He’s just never had a girl be that “into” him before.

[He sees Juliet climbing out from her bedroom window onto the balcony.]

Shit! Who’s up there?
Oh, it’s Juliet—-Dude! She’s such a fox! Too bad she has no clue that I totally want her.
Is she gonna say something? Should I talk to her?

[He starts to talk but chickens out.]

Dude—-she doesn’t even know I’m here. She’s probably not even thinking about me anyway. Man—-I so want a piece of that!

Juliet
[She is pouting.] Life sucks!

Romeo
Damn—-what’s she saying? Say it again so I can hear!

Juliet
Romeo—-why of all the guys in the world did you have to end up being Romeo? But, like, if you’d stand up to your dad, I’d totally do the same. I don’t want to be a stupid Capulet anyway.

Romeo
Awesome! Should I talk to her now?

Juliet
Like, it’s just ‘cause you’re a stupid Montague that my dad is so pissed. Like, what does your last name have to do with who you are anyway? You’d still be the same guy even if you had a different last name. If you’d get rid of it, I’d like totally go all the way with you.

Romeo
[He speaks directly to Juliet.] Alrighty then! I’ll make a deal with you! Just tell me how much you want me, and my last name is—-what last name?

Juliet
[She’s freaked out.] Who’s there? What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?

Romeo
Well, I can’t really tell you, dude, ‘cause I don’t have a name anymore.

Juliet
Wait! It’s, like, Romeo Montague, isn’t it?

Romeo
Not if you don’t want me to be, babe.

Juliet
How the hell did you get back here? That fence is, like, impossible to climb! And you’re so dead if my parents find you here!

Romeo
Dude, you’re so hot no fence was gonna stop me! And screw your parents, too!

Juliet
But they’ll kick your ass if they see you!

Romeo
Your bod has more control over me than a pack of pit bulls! I could care less about them if you’ll just let me feel you up.

Juliet
Like, I really hope they don’t catch you here.

Romeo
Don’t worry-—it’s way too dark outside for them to see me. And as long as you and I get busy, I could care less what happens to me later.